I tend to write in this thing when I'm going through some emotional trial in my life. I always wonder if anyone really reads this and if there is, i'm sure it's like ShellB or something. I don't really care. I just want to get things out.

Shawn and I broke up yesterday, September 6, 2004. It's a culmination of many different things and yes, it was me that broke it off.

It's hard to let go of someone that's been in your life for over 3 years. I love the guy but I don't know if it's the same love that I had for him in the beginning of our relationship. He may contradict everything that I say in here but it's okay. This is how I feel and how I felt.

First of all, Shawn and is my first-everything boyfriend. There was no one prior to him except maybe some dates here and there. For a first boyfriend, I would say, he's the greatest. He's everything you could want in a guy. He's sensitive, caring, patient, loving, and he will try his best to do better. He's uber-talented too. He can sing, dance, cook, fix computers, everything you name it. He's a regular-Renaissance Man.. That's the side of Shawn that I miss the most.

I think what most people don't know about is Shawn's dark side and for the most part, that's what pushed me away. He can be angry, to the point where he will get in your face, cuss you out, and wish you to get in a car accident when you don't deal with the situation. He can be jealous, to the point where you will receive 5 missed calls, and blame you for not bringing your phone with you when you used the bathroom. He's needy when it comes to attention. Shawn has lived alone for most of his life and he always wants someone there, and of course, that was usually me. He wouldn't want me to spend time with other people (including friends that he knows) in fear that I will get taken away from him. And if I even mention the fact that I want to do things with out him, I would be given some kind of guilt-trip about thinking about myself, and if the situation was turned around he wouldn't do something like that. Shawn, the Master of Guilt Trips and I fell for all of them each and every time.

There were times in my relationship with him when i questioned if I was doing enough. I questioned whether he deserved someone like me who didn't put as much effort as him. At times, I couldn't figure out what to do because he would want things specifically and I wouldn't know how to approach it in fear of failure. He was driving me away with his jealousy, and his need for me to always be there for him because in turn, he will always be there for me. I always felt like everything bad that happened in our relationship was my fault and that maybe there was something wrong with me.

Our three year anniversary was looming ahead and for months, everything felt like routine. It didn't help that I was still living in his home, and his family took me in as part of their family. I felt like I owed them the world.

With school... with stresses from Shawn, my priorities clearly came to view. I needed a break. I felt suffocated. I felt trapped. I didn't feel happy and I confused love and caring for someone as a sort of responsibility that i needed to "take care" of each and every day. I don't know how long I would need this break. I know that I'm not ready to be with anyone. I just need this time to focus on me. I'm my own responsibility.

I don't know why I decided to write this. I figure, word will get out that Shawn and I broke up and I will need to explain things because people would want to understand why a seemingly "perfect" relationship, went under in a flash. Guess I should just send them this website or maybe not.

Things are hard. It's only been two days. I've been through this before but this time things are different. I feel the change, and I think for the most part Shawn will be okay. I think I will be okay too.